blogging, depression, life, loneliness, love, passion, poetry, sadness, self, thoughts, Uncategorized

An Ode to My Greatest Challenge

Why can’t I let myself draw?

Do I loathe who I am so much that

When I sit down, either cross-legged or

One leg up on my stool at the desk

I freeze

My heart, my brain, my hand

The muscles are failing and sore because

Apparently I trained… myself, to do this… to myself

From a very young age.

I’m a protector.

If it can’t be perfect, then I don’t make the attempt

And if I don’t attempt, I cannot be mocked

For failing at the thing that I absolutely adore the most

The very thing that used to keep me alive.

I can’t let myself draw

Because then I don’t have to face that face in the mirror

The absolute adoring love hidden, somewhere in my house

That I apparently hid away long ago

In order to

Protect.

The love that I have been running away from

So that I don’t experience the disappointment

Of never feeling wanted

Or desired

And satisfied.

 

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blogging, depression, learning, life, loneliness, love, self, thoughts, Uncategorized

Undeserving by association

I’m lonely and sad.  Not as sad I have been before – the sharp pain of feeling like I have no one is not exactly the only companion I have any longer.  That pain moved on, and instead I’m truly alone, not feeling empty, but seeing the empty space that was once loneliness now reminds me how I truly feel about myself.  At some point in my young life I saw meaninglessness in following the things that brought me joy and made me feel, just to make myself stop feeling, and by association I became undeserving of joy.  That was the path that I had built for myself up until now.  Now I keep tentatively following the pavement of that path, but trying to look around – backwards, forwards, to every side, up and down sometimes – to get myself out of here.  I can see many other paths, paths that don’t even require pavement or anything, that are so much more suitable.

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