blogging, depression, learning, life, loneliness, love, self, thoughts, Uncategorized

Undeserving by association

I’m lonely and sad.  Not as sad I have been before – the sharp pain of feeling like I have no one is not exactly the only companion I have any longer.  That pain moved on, and instead I’m truly alone, not feeling empty, but seeing the empty space that was once loneliness now reminds me how I truly feel about myself.  At some point in my young life I saw meaninglessness in following the things that brought me joy and made me feel, just to make myself stop feeling, and by association I became undeserving of joy.  That was the path that I had built for myself up until now.  Now I keep tentatively following the pavement of that path, but trying to look around – backwards, forwards, to every side, up and down sometimes – to get myself out of here.  I can see many other paths, paths that don’t even require pavement or anything, that are so much more suitable.

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2 thoughts on “Undeserving by association

  1. At the same time that seems like you are blaming yourself and whilst I’m biased because I like you and you are my friend, I also honestly do not think someone who is depressed or sad or numb or feeling badly is at fault. Yes we’re all told to snap out of it and be positive, but if it were that simple nearly everyone except maybe gothic 14 year olds would. We don’t feel what we feel (or don’t feel) because we choose it, even if counselors claim we can ‘think differently’ I believe we think what we think because we are who we are, maybe we’d be different IF but that IF isn’t our fault or doing it’s what happened before we were even really ourselves, the steps toward that. If at some point you stopped understanding happiness because you felt on some level if you pursued it that it would hurt you let you down or disappoint you, the fault lies not with you but with whatever led you to distrust happiness, which may even have been a valid reason and self-protective. All I know is what you feel isn’t a character flaw it’s sad and anyone who loves you would wish for you to be happy but that’s just fried thinking because most people with open eyes could never be THAT happy. You are an artist, be an artist, the rest, well it’s not perfect thank god how boring would that be?

    • Anna Spoon says:

      Oh, it’s just the beginning of my new life and the death of my old one… I wish you’d e-mail me again my friend so I could tell you
      , if you still have my address.

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